"Today I shall write without inhibitions! That is what I thought. So I took off all my clothes, and sat down at my desk.
"I would write with my whole being, without the obstruction of clothes. I would let the words flow from my body like water from a spring, like spunk from a wanked cock.
"But from the open window I heard jeering. And when I turned to face the outside world, I remembered the school that I can see from my window, and saw that the children were on their morning break.
"Some were laughing, pointing. Most had their mobile phones out, filming me, sending pictures of my prone body to Twitter and Facebook. Teachers had been alerted. The more vigilant of the staff were dispatching janitors and dinner ladies around the the front of my house to find out who this naked pervert might be.
"So I shrank back from the window, enclosing myself around my genitals, like a flower cuddling its stamen, protecting it from the wind.
"I could not approach the window to close the curtains, nor to pick up my clothes, strewn across the bed. I cursed my earlier optimism. They will never let you write, I thought.
"There I stayed, huddled in the corner of the room, raising my head occasionally to stare at the thinning crowd of laughing children.
"After what seemed like an eternity, the bell went for the pupils to return to their classrooms. They reluctantly abandoned their new game, left with only their memories, and several gigabytes of medium quality cameraphone footage.
"When I was certain that the playground was empty, I leapt across the room, closed the curtains and put my clothes back on.
"I sat down at my desk and began again, only this time with the certainty that if my words flowed like water from a spring I should wet myself, and if they flowed like spunk from a cock they would leave a nasty stain."