The Kebab

I wrote a list today, it was titled, 'Things I Like And Would Like To Fill My Life With'. I won't bore you with the details, but one part of it was about occasionally being able to eat a kebab after drinking several pints of lager in a pub. I discussed the idea of a perfect kebab with a few people. There were various ideas about what constitutes a great kebab, and I came to realise that there is no 'perfect' kebab. The kebab is an experiential object, and qualitatively relativistic. Here, for the record, is the sort of kebab that would fulfil its role, for me, after several pints of lager.

• Doner, possibly shish if:

a) I'm feeling flush.
b) It looks like a substantial amount of food, i.e. more than one skewers worth of meat*.

• Naan bread, rather than pita.
• Lots of salad

-Cabbage (thinly sliced, red and white)
-Onion
-Cucumber (not slimy, if possible)

• 2 large pickled chillies.
• Good, hot, chilli sauce
• Good, garlicky garlic sauce (mainly for chips, see below)
• Chips - eaten ALWAYS with meat and sauce, plus possibly salad and naan if quantity allows.

*The kebab is very much about quantity, not at the expense of quality, but it is an integral part of deciding what to eat  after several pints of lager (possibly continental lager, at up to 5.2%). The kebab must act as an affirmative response to these questions:
a) Does this look like exactly the right amount of food for me?
b) Is this, in reality, way too much food for me?